An Englishman’s Home is his Castle – March 24th 1865

“An Englishmans Home is his Castle” 

March 24th 1865.

But whether the adage holds good regarding Scotchmen we have yet to learn. A castle, however, not a hundred miles from this village, garrisoned by a valiant knight of the thimble, was stormed one day last week by an amazon claiming to be the lawful wife of the besieged — consequently his better half. It would seem that after the two had been made one “beef” as the Highlandman would have it, they had not lived in that state of connubial felicity which such a state of existence demanded. On one point, however, they agreed — and that was that they separate. Our hero was to have the upbringing of the children, and allow our heroine a pretty handsome weekly aliment. The world was turning round, and all mankind turning with it, and the two were once more living in a state of single blessedness, the better half receiving regularly, at the terms agreed upon, her stipulated moiety of her lords earnings, till, on the day referred to, the lady took it into her head, after worshipping at the shrine of the jolly god, that she would like once more to return the embraces of her lord. The knight, having been made aware of the fact,and having recalled to mind the sufferings of the days of other years, was determined that such should not be the case. He accordingly, without delay, made all preparations in his power which he deemed necessary for the defence, determined to hold out to the last, and to capitulate on no conditions. He barricaded the front and postern doors of the castle, and having armed himself with his scissors, lapboard,and goose, sat down anxiously waiting for the attack. The old and the young, the grave and the gay, belonging to the village turned out to witness the affray. At last the storming commenced. The first modus operandi was an attack with the tongue, which lasted for a considerable time without producing any decided result, although used by both besieger and besieged with a dexterity which amused and amazed all the onlookers within earshot.

The besieger, finding that her loquacity was not going to produce any beneficial result, determined to come to close quarters, and try if she could not affect an entrance by the postern door. By ejecting huge stones from her brawny arms, at this most available point, she eventually managed to unhinge it; but finding it impossible to effect an entrance from the stink-pots used in barricading, she once more retreated under a heavy volley of scurrilous epithets to the front entrance of the castle. Here, by again using the same catapults which had done such signal service in the rear of the fort,with the same determination, her efforts were again crowned with success. She drove the door and all the woodwork connected with it from their fastenings, and removed them a considerable distance from the scene of their usefulness with as much ease as Samson of old did the gates of Gaza. Now came the tug of war. Having effected a breach, her next resolve was to storm it, but here she was encountered by the knight with all his instruments of war, resolved that if she did enter the fort it would be over his lifeless corpse. Stones and brickbats were now seen flying with fearful velocity — a goose, minus the wings, could be observed clearing the air with an impetus truly appalling — whilst the lapboard and scissors were seen mingling promiscuously on the dreadful melee. After a good number of such rounds had been exchanged by both parties, a fearful silence ensued, our amazon had got the worst of it, and was compelled to raise the siege, which she did in a very undignified manner, with her visionary organs considerably darkened. We have not been informed whether after recruiting she intends renewing the attack, but this we must admit, that it was one of the best conducted sieges we have had the pleasure of witnessing –nothing in our annals can equal it since Wallace took the “Peel”, and I trust if there is another attack, “I may be there to see”.